Earth completed another cycle around its star. As it’s the tradition in the west, a look back thing needs to be made. This feels like needing to sacrifice an animal to some mythological entity or pray to it; I don’t know, it feels weird. As it happens, weird is my first, middle, and last name. Even if I dislike doing it, I’ll indulge in this bizarre ritual and make a balance for 2021 from a fibromyalgia standpoint. Prepare for a long post.
I’m kidding. It will be as short as possible.
Yeah, it will be big…
Just like 2020, 2021 was a complete piece of shit year for me. All went as good as possible from January to March and then downhill. The pain aggravated so much that I got to go on paid sick leave again, and I’ve been on it since.
I started rheumatologist appointments in a doctor’s office 5 minutes from home when that happened. These appointments began with hope. Soon, they turned into a ton of meds and no improvement. The rheumatologist insisted it was due to stress and depression. No matter how many times I told him I was in a good place in my life when the symptoms first started, he kept pushing this.
Eventually, I stopped with those appointments. It’s not worth paying €80 per appointment, especially with such a low sick leave as I’m paid when there is no improvement. Not even with a potent opioid.
A month after ending the appointments, I watched a news report at night about the first medical center dedicated to fibromyalgia opening in Portugal. The next day, I called them to schedule an appointment. I had to wait almost another month for it. I was worth it, even if for feeling a relaxation sensation for the first time in nearly a year and a half.
I’m hopeful for the transcranial magnetic stimulation therapy potential in improving my situation. On the 10th, I’ll have the second appointment. I hope I feel a little better than the previous one.
On the personal side of things, 2021 could’ve been better. A side-effect of my health getting worse and, by extension, barely leaving the house was losing touch with some people. I invited them to my place a few times, They said yes but permanently canceled at the last minute, and I’m always the one to reach out. So long, godspeed, I say.
The wife has suffered due to my shitty health, which hurts even more than the pain the fibromyalgia makes me feel. She always tries to play tough, but I know it hurts her too, and that hurts me also. I hate seeing the people I love suffer, and it’s even worse if it’s because of me. That’s why I try to lift my chin up and not let the physical pain affect me even more. If I do, the syndrome will degrade even more, and she will suffer more by extent!
I know my parents are worried and suffer too. I don’t share most of the stuff (ignorance can be a blessing in these cases). I can’t, however, act like my whole body doesn’t hurt when I’m with them. I would if I could!
Professionally, I fear I’ll be let go when I get back to work. It has been almost a year since I went on sick leave. I bet my employer doesn’t particularly like that. My ratings at work were good - top 30% most of the months - even when the pain was becoming too unbearable. This won’t mean shit if they decide to let me go. Let’s see how that will play out.
If I’m lucky, 2022 will be the year I can, at least, have a low amount of pain. If I’m really, really lucky, I will stop having symptoms. It’s a wait-and-see situation.
photo from Unsplash
